I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
