flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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