one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
