Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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