can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
