Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
