The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
