11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
