final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
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