I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
