Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
God gave him joint rollers for hands
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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