At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
