I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
