I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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