my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
