I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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