we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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