Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
