A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
