just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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