im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
