I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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