I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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