yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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