woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Randomize
