We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
