i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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