I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
