Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
