one word: firstdatebathroomanal
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
