I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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