i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Panties = found
Randomize
