I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
