I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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