i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I currently don't understand fingers.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
