first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
