hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
