I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
