Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
