I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
