Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
