He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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