I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
