in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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