Your mouth is God's brothel.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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