He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Randomize
