omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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