y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
