This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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