I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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