Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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